mid week mania

Humpday is suppose to be a great day... I mean, they even have a commercial about it where a camel debuts declaring it's "humpday." But this week, I wish it were Friday.  Well, I actually wish it were Saturday evening seeing as I have too many commitments on Saturday morning, as does my husband, and I won't get any reprieve until then.  

My week started out on a good (ha!) foot: Monday morning in the middle of a deep sleep I was assaulted with my husband handing me my son saying "here, take him, I need to shower right now!!!" (actually he needed to do something else but I'll save him at least a shred of dignity).  So in a total delirious state I took Elijah and began to feed him.  This didn't go over too well because he was so congested he couldn't breathe. I tended to that issue, fed him, and as I was beginning to wake up enough to realize I had my sweet son in my arms, I looked down at his precious face just in time for him to projectile vomit all over my face. and chest. and sheets. and hair.  This all happened before 7:00AM.  Now, to all you haters that think "uh... I don't want to hear about your kid's snot and puke" then quit reading, this blog won't be for you going forward.  And I could be worse.  I could be a mom that posts every picture of my son's accomplishments or tells you he "tried peas today and didn't like them," but I won't do that.  Or I won't do that each post anyway.  ;) 

Now, it is Wednesday and my precious, teething son (and he really is quite agreeable despite the teething) and I have been stuck in the house all.week. because of the rain.  I know rain is necessary and I know it helps my pathetic excuse of a garden grow, but COME ON.  This momma needs to get out of the house with her precious baby and she needs to experience the sun on her face and the need to wear short sleeves.  (Arkansas, I do not appreciate 50 degree weather in the middle of May.  Can I get an Amen?  Thank you.)  Despite the midweek mania, but sweet in laws did come by today and offer to watch Elijah while I went to "town" to buy some new tennis shoes for the first time in four years.  Can you tell I am an avid athlete?  I also had time to eat lunch by myself.  (I use to feel sorry for that girl eating alone in a restaurant, now, I totally understand her).  Sadly the whole tennis shoe ordeal lasted 5 minutes.  I walked in the store, saw the pair I wanted, tried them on and left.  I didn't even buy the socks they had "on sale" for $15/pair.  No thank you- I will stick to Hanes and call it a day.  

I guess this week I just feel a little out of sorts because my house is in disarray (well my neglected bedroom and bathroom).  (I HATE cleaning my bathroom.)  (I HATE sharing a bathroom with a boy- their hygiene is sub par compared to a woman's hygiene and I have a clean husband.)  (Last week I found his disposable contacts on the bathroom floor because he couldn't "see" to throw them in the toilet.)  (Why doesn't he throw them in the trash can?)  and I keep trying to fill the void of my heart with other things like Real Housewives of New York or my new InStyle magazine that just arrived.  I guess I am writing this post simply to confess that this mommy needs some "me" time and it has to start with Jesus in the morning or at some point in the day.  And now, it is Wednesday and I have YET to spend some real time with Him.  So, my mid week mania will end now (hopefully).  I am going to spend some time with my first Love and hopefully feel restored.  And if I don't feel restored, I will still be grateful because regardless of my "feelings" He never changes.  And, I love that blogging allows me to start so many sentences with "and." :) 

A real friday night

Y'all:  I use to dream about Friday night.  Partly because I could lay around and do nothing after a week of chasing sweet, yet crazy Kindergarten students and partly, because I could socialize with my peers.  This Friday what am I doing?  I am on Pinterest.  My son is currently crying in his crib refusing to go to sleep because it's still light outside (do you like how I assume I know what he is thinking?) and my sweet husband is at a conference with our pastors regarding how to love others better.  I am proud of him... And I am mad that I am home alone on a Friday night.  I can be both, right?  I am giving myself 10 more minutes for my son to stop crying and then I will go in and comfort him.  I am not all about the "crying it out" method- or as the mom community would call it: "CIO." Side note: has anyone else noticed the ridiculous amount of abbreviations mothers/pregnant women use?  I had to google the  abbreviations when I was pregnant.  DD=due date.  TTC= trying to conceive.  And then I became a mom and people started saying things like "E.A.S.Y" (Eat/activity/sleep/YOU time) and CIO=cry.it.out. SPEAK ENGLISH PEOPLE!  I would now say "I digress," but that saying is annoying to me... so I will stick to my favorite "anyway."
Anyway.  I am grateful to have a sweet, little boy in his crib right now.  (By the way, it's been 3 minutes and he has stopped crying.  Haters- don't worry, not 3 minutes total- 3 minutes since I said I would go and pick him up and comfort him.  Daylight savings time-- you are both my friend and enemy).   As grateful as I am for this baby boy, I didn't think my Friday nights would entail me being on Pinterest, scarfing down a handful of kale and some chips, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I really wouldn't.  It's not glamorous.  It's not necessarily "fun," but it is rewarding and it is the best thing I have ever done- being a mommy.  I am grateful I have a little boy that needs me to stay inside/at home with him.  But sometimes I have a pity party, party of one.  I just feel like as "rewarding" as this is, it isn't glamorous and it isn't easy.  It's amazing and it's hard.  It's fun and it's exhausting.  It makes me come alive in a way I didn't know was possible and it makes me wonder who I really am.  It is the best, hardest, most rewarding, intense and humbling job I have ever had and if that means I spend every, single Friday night on Pinterest while the rest of the world goes out and takes selfies and puts them on Instagram, then it is okay.  It is okay because God didn't call me to live for myself.  He called me to love and boy oh boy, have I learned (and am learning) what it is means to sacrificially love.  Thank you, Jesus for this opportunity.  And thank you for Pinterest.

Blog intentions

When I first created this blog, I didn't intend for it to be a place where I documented every, little thing my family did.  I also didn't intend for it be a place where I solely wrote about the loss my husband and I experienced last summer.  Then again when I created it, we had not yet experienced that loss.  Writing about it was cathartic for me and it was real life.  It was where I was; I 'm glad I did.
While going through the loss, it was a writing journey- it let people know what I was dealing with and where I was... nowadays, my thoughts are so random and all over the place- Welcome to motherhood!!! With that being noted... while this was once a journey through grief, now it will be the continued journey through my life as a mommy and the random thoughts that accompany me as I am now staying home.  I have lots of time to think and no time to think all at once.  The newest chapter of my life and my husband's life have started and I will document (with son in tow- or please, God, sleeping!) parts of that journey here.  I will still try to stick to my blogger convictions by not wasting your time reading about my cups of coffee in the morning (though I will probably gripe here and there about how they get cold before I can finish them), or every, single thing we all did in a weekend.  But I will do updates.  And I will write about some of those things... So, will full permission from me and to me, I intend to write more (we'll see) and to write random things I find worth sharing.  Maybe some of you can relate along the way...

Christmas Season

The craziest weekend of the year just ended, ushering us into what is suppose to be a holy time of year: The Christmas season.  Thanksgiving Day I went to Wal-Mart in need of cheddar cheese for the green bean casserole I was requested to make for our Thanksgiving dinner.  It was eerily quiet, as it was only 10:00AM, and the madness of Black Friday (Really, Black Thursday) had yet to start.  While roaming the aisles, I found myself shimmying through and over huge crates covered in saran wrap with the coming hour's deals... "Buy this toy for $20 - BLACK FRIDAY ONLY."  And while I was there, I felt tears brimming in my eyes.  I was overcome with sadness of what our culture seems to concentrate on when we are to be giving thanks for what we already have.  It seems with the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, many of us get caught up in the consumerism of it all.  Don't get me wrong, I appreciate a good deal just like anyone else.  I appreciate saving money when I can, and now that I am a "stay-at-home-mom," our sole source of income comes from my husband.  I am grateful.  But I have a hard time when the season that is suppose to be marked with first gratitude and then reverence of our Savior's birth turns into a total marketing scheme. And we take the bait.

I find myself wondering how I am suppose to raise a son in this sort of environment.  How am I suppose to teach him to value the coming and birth of our Beloved Savior while presents, toys, want, want, want are constantly ingrained into what seems to be every fiber of our being?

I realize it really has to start with me (and my husband).  I have got to get back to the simplicity of what this season means.  It is a holy time.  It is a time for family and a time to reflect on what we have and feel grateful.  It is a time to give to those in need, as opposed to continue to feed my (and my family's) wants.  It is a time for us to be "Merry" because we have so much to celebrate.  As the lyrics to
"Holy Night" ring, we have the "thrill of hope, [as] the weary world rejoices!  For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!"  I have much to be merry about this holiday and Christmas season.

(This adorable card and others like it can be found here). 

He Made It!

I will spare everyone the lame excuses as to why I am not keeping up with this thing.  I will also make the empty promise that I plan to do a better job! :)

With that being noted... for those that do follow this blog and are wondering if our son arrived safely... (I have been getting your emails!)... HE DID!

Our sweet Elijah Rush McPherson was welcomed into the world on July 26th, 2013.  After 26 long, hard hours of labor, the doctor safely delivered him into my arms (via c-section).  He weighed in at a whopping 8lb5oz which was a surprise for me because everyone thought I would have a 6 or 7lb baby.  Ha!  We are adjusting to our new life at home and are all very sleepy!  It is, of course, worth it. 

Here we are the morning after delivery!

A Gender. A Name. Procrastination.

Woops... Didn't mean to go this long without blogging.  I think about things "worthy" of writing about all the time, but I don't get around to doing it for many reasons.  The main reason being I usually think about what I would say when I am drifting off to sleep, or when I am thinking sarcastic/snarky thoughts in my car... neither of which are good times to make a post.

With that being said, I was correct:  We are having a boy.  I am excited.  I have heard little boys love their mamas and I am eager to meet him.  We will name him Elijah Rush McPherson.  Daniel will call him Elijah and I will call him Elijah Rush.  Identity crisis much?  Considering I grew up with five names, the least of which couldn't fit in the bubbles on standardized testing, I think he'll be fine going by two.  We didn't end up using my favorite name.  I am still sad about it-though I love Elijah Rush-but the Lord revealed to me in a dream we were to name our child Elijah.  Die to self, Anne.  Plus, Daniel and I are excited about the meaning behind it and grateful God laid it on our hearts.  As I acknowledged before, while names are important, we didn't want to put too much stalk in a name, but we feel blessed the Lord chose to reveal one to us and we will follow. :)

I love him so much already, but I am not into all the planning.  I think it's two-fold.  A) I am a procrastinator when I am overwhelmed and this is overwhelming.  Things I think I can accomplish easily and/or am confident doing, I will do in two seconds... this business... I procrastinate.  B) I don't get why our culture makes us think we need all. this. stuff. to raise a child.  I am just not sure 50% of it is actually necessary.  Do I really need a Baby Bjorn, Ergo, and a Moby Wrap? Will one or the other not suffice? Don't get me wrong, I am grateful I have the means to invest in things that make raising a child easier, but I don't know where to draw the line.  If I bought everything Target & Babies R 'Us suggested I buy, I think I would be like Inspector Gadget or a woman with mechanical arms sitting on her couch watching the machines, inventions, iPads, etc., raise my child for me all the while pressing a button and moving only to change a diaper!!!  So, where do I start?  What should I actually invest in and what isn't necessary?  It is just overwhelming.  Talking through things with some friends this past weekend helped a lot.  I am glad other people have gone before me and can offer their advice regarding which purchases are or aren't necessary.  I also know everyone parents differently, but I just don't want to overdo it on the "things."

In sum: We're having a baby boy named Elijah Rush and we are so grateful and lucky to already call him our son.  Regarding the nursery, I should get on with the planning and preparing- like yesterday.  I can't procrastinate forever.

What's in a name?

Here we are... 2 weeks from finding out the gender of our sweet baby and being bombarded with the same question, "What will you name him/her?"

Well for starters, I don't know if this little one is a boy or a girl... I have my suspicions, but it hasn't been confirmed.

Secondly, I don't know what to name our baby yet.  I don't mind when people ask but, it makes me laugh when people ask some of the names you like, you tell them, and then they say, "That's the name I wanted to use!"  And they're not pregnant.  Pregnant ladies or moms, do ya feel me?  It just makes me feel awkward... or like I need to apologize...  It is definitely a quiet moment when that happens.  So then it makes me not want to share any names.  And there is nothing wrong at all with families deciding not to do that.  It is just not for me.  I want to tell everyone the name of our sweet baby.  Then, there are the people who feel inclined to tell you what to name your child.  That's equally uncomfortable.  And sometimes I have to bite my lip from laughing at some of the names.  :)

So here we are two weeks out from knowing if Baby McPherson is a boy or a girl and having no idea what to name him or her.

With our last pregnancy, Daniel and I were super diligent to pray for the Lord to reveal to us, in some way, what to name our twins.  It's cool because the day we found out they went to Heaven 2 names we had never even considered were revealed to us.  Separately.  God laid Emma Kate upon my heart.  Upon looking up the meaning I discovered her name means: Completely Pure.  Daniel said he felt like we needed to name our son Sadler which means: Carpenter.  We like to think he is up there making some sweet tools, etc. with Jesus. :)

Daniel and I both believe in the meaning of names... not the extent we are superstitious, but we don't want our child's name to mean something awful.  Sadly, a name we both love for a girl means "Princess of Darkness" or "Evil One" No. Thank. You.  :)  And there are some boy names I have had to throw out, too.

We are back to the drawing board and praying about a name.  At the end of the day, I don't think it matters all that much, but I do think its cool to pray about it regardless. :)

Mostly, I want a healthy/happy baby.  And I promise to let everyone know the name as soon as we figure it out!  Step One: Find out the gender :)

new mercies

The story of how this baby came into being is filled with little miracles and mercies.

It all started on October 2nd. I woke up feeling sick and before I could debate if I should call into work, I looked down and my phone was dialing the number to tell them I wouldn't be in. I knew the Lord wanted me to stay home with Him that day. I was so spiritually sick that it was having physical effects. (Headaches, chills, etc.) I knew I needed a break through. I will spare the long details of what all transpired, but I had a legit deliverance that day. I sat on my back porch for hours writing in my journal, praying, and listening to a voice (through mp3) of someone reading Scripture over me. For the first time since we lost the twins, I felt like real, deep healing was coming swiftly. And while not everything is promised to us in the Bible, sometimes the Spirit speaks to us in real, tangible ways... And that day He spoke healing into my heart. The details were not clear, but my spirit knew it would be soon. I need only trust and obey. For the first time since July 27th, I had hope. Real hope. Hope that only comes from above. Hope not only in the promise of a child, but hope in the promise of my Redeemer. I believed.

The month of October still followed a roller coaster of emotions. At times, more intense than previous months (in light of depression) because I had a promise to stand on, and the enemy would do anything to abate my hope in God. But the entire month, I tried very hard to use the Sword of Spirit to fight him.

With this pregnancy, God is redeeming the month of July for me. I think it was my very first entry about our loss on this blog where I wrote, "I hate July." And I did. I told Daniel as late as the week before I found out I was pregnant with this child that I wanted to move away during the month of July. I couldn't be here in the heat with the reminder. And God so graciously is letting this baby's due date be July 23rd. Redemption.

We are suppose to take Clomid to get pregnant. I have been told I "don't ovulate well without help." Daniel and I weren't even officially "trying" and this baby is on the way without Clomid! (There is nothing wrong with taking Clomid- it's just a blessing we didn't need it). When you take Clomid there is so much pressure. You have to do everything at the right time and you only have a couple month window with use of the medicine. Again, praise the Lord we were spared this!

67 days: My dear friend Elisabeth starting writing me letters about one month after I lost the babies. She wrote me 67 letters- usually they were notecards with verses on them. (The number 67 is significant) I didn't know this, but she prayed throughout the duration of sending me letters that upon receiving the last letter, if it pleased God, I would be pregnant again. She also prayed every day God would redeem the month of July for me. Somehow in someway. He answered both of her prayers.

God is amazing. He is in the details. And the blessings in our story are so evident. I know God will do what He wants and He will accomplish it in a way that is best for His Glory. But, I am so grateful He graciously allowed tangible answers to prayers and blessings for my husband and I in this. There are too many to recount and I know there are more on the way. I thank my God for Emma Kate and Sadler's life. I thank my God for their stamp on my heart. And I thank my God for entrusting me with their lives and the life of this precious child. He is good and His love DOES endure forever. I know the road ahead will still bring it's trials, but I believe He will never leave me or forsake me. Amen.

EXCITING NEWS!

We will welcome a precious baby into this world July 2013!  

(The details of our precious miracle are worth reading! Stop by sometime this weekend to get the full story. I will post more then!)

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

In 1988, President Ronald Reagan declared October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Month. Please light a candle at 7:00PM tonight to remember all of the angel babies. I know I will. The official site for this day can be found HERE.

Fall.

I have been SO READY for Fall to come. I know it technically came on Saturday, September 22nd but it hasn't FELT like Fall... until now.
Summer was hellacious and I mean that in every sense of the word: biggest draught our nation has seen in years, record high temperatures, loss and anger. I told Daniel I was beginning to understand why crimes rises in the hot months- the heat made me crazy. I needed-so desperately-a change.

When I went through something hard many summers ago, I remember wanting so badly for Fall to come. I believed it would bring some comfort along. I believed it would bring a change. I even believed it would bring a change in the spiritual I couldn't see. And it did.

I've been hoping for the exact same thing this year. Summer (late summer) has been tainted with sadness and despair for me and I've been wanting Fall to come so badly. I've been asking the Lord to let this be a NEW season for me and I've been anticipating it's arrival. This past Friday night the temperature dropped dramatically and I embraced the cool, rainy weather with open, happy arms. I believe the Lord is doing new things for Daniel and me in this season and I am eager to see how He works during this time.

Winter and Fall have always been my favorite seasons. I love scarves, gloves, fires, hot chocolate, and a few (if we are so lucky) snow days. I know being a teacher I should enjoy Summer most, but it's starting to leave a yucky place of reminders for me (I do believe the Lord can make even Summer new). I love watching the leaves change. I love Halloween decorations for children (not creepy adult decor), my birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas- in that order. I love singing Christmas carols and everything revolving around that season as we celebrate our Lord. But mostly, I love how things (to me) seem to get still in the Fall & Winter. I love nothing more than a snowy night when everything is so still and so quiet. Those moments seem almost, to throw this word around: healing.

This is the word I am hinging my entire Fall season around: HEALING. I am eager to testify to His Glorious works as I see them unfold during this season. He is Good and His Love Endures.

Rejoice. Weep.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep." -Romans 12:15

I found out this weekend two of my friends are pregnant. I am happy for them. It is a joyful time in their life and I know they wait in anticipation to hold their sweet babies. I can rejoice for them. I trust the Lord will allow me to be gracious towards them during this time in their life.

I also wept this weekend because of the news. I wept because I don't understand why their babies are living and mine aren't. I don't at ALL want anyone's child to perish- yuck, I can't even think about wanting that or meaning that is how I feel. Rather, it is just hard to deal with my loss coupled with their gain. This news opened a can of worms I have tried so hard to keep shut: depression and fear. I know the Lord is capable of delivering me from these negative emotions, but at times, it feels like this journey won't ever end. And I know part of it won't- the memory of their tiny footprints they have left upon my heart.

Today, I am asking the Lord to swiftly deliver me from this depression. I am asking for help to rejoice with those who rejoice as He helps others weep with those who weep. I am asking for His gentle hand to be upon me every time a reminder comes my way that my babies' dwelling place is in Heaven, while other babies' are on this earth- I know He has made His dwelling place in my heart. And I am holding onto hope for the future.

Waiting Room ONE.

I finally feel like I might be dismissed from this waiting room. I will, of course, have to go into another, but this one's time is coming to an end... I think.

My thoughts to myself a couple of weeks ago:
I have made a decision to switch doctors. I need a fresh start and I need clarity from someone who will lend an ear and give me some extra TLC. If that makes me high maintenance right now, I don't care. It's America- we pay for our healthcare, so I want the best and that is that. God, please provide a good, new doctor and clarity to make that decision. You know me well. You know I will agonize over every detail. Make the answer clear. Please!

He did. The Lord landed me in Dr. Breniman's lap. The doctor's mission? "To be part of a clinic where Christ is preeminent." When I met with him 2 weeks ago he sat with me in his office for an hour. He didn't put me in a scantily clad robe in a freezing cold room and give me 5 minutes of his time. He brought me to his office, played plinky plunky music (F-R-I-E-N-D-S, anyone?) and listened.

With a new doctor, I feel as if I am getting out this waiting room. I keep thinking about Shane Bernard's song lyrics: **sitting in the waiting room of silence, waiting for that still soft voice I know, offering my words up to the rooftop to Your heart, trusting that this closet's where You are.** I have been in such a waiting room. My hCG levels still are high and my body thinks it's pregnant, which has brought an onset of other complications, and it has been so hard. Most women's bodies return to "normal" 4-5 weeks after a D&C... well, I will be at 7 weeks Monday, and it can't get to a "new normal" yet because I still have hCG in me (that is rare), and I am still experiencing post-surgery symptoms (usually those only last 4days to 3weeks max). I want out of this waiting room. The blessing of it all is this: the hormone levels are dropping. And when they get down to zero, I have a chance at a new normal.

For the first time since all of this, I have hope for the future, coupled with trying to live for today. A very dear friend and I were emailing back and forth yesterday, and she could relate to living for "today." She said, "God gives us grace for today. God doesn't give us grace to live in tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or next year. If we try to live there and be there mentally and emotionally, then we will live in a hurricane. All God gives is grace for today, to make it through this day, with this daily bread, and his grace is MORE than enough for this day. And the next day, the abundant grace starts all over again." Words. Of. Wisdom.  ... Words. To. Live. By.

From the beginning of my pregnancy I told the Lord when worries came I didn't want to use the doctors as my source of hope. I never wanted to go to an appointment and leave idolizing the doctors and their views/opinions. I know the Lord is the Ultimate Doctor. But, I also asked that He would allow them to be a conduit for my understanding of His ability in this, on this earth.

When I went to my new doctor, the Lord allowed just that. My new doctor is not God. But, He has a set of skills and knowledge I don't, and he can help me understand what is happening in the here and now which has brought me an ability to live more easily in the "today." He is running all the necessary tests, and he even has given me a "game plan" for the future. While this requires more waiting, it is a step forward. And I feel like I can breathe... literally. For the first time in a LONG time, I can breathe. I can't even begin to explain what it is like. It is still so very hard and I am still grieving, but I know there is hope in tomorrow and God's grace will abundantly supply me tomorrow as I sit in this waiting room TODAY. He has not left me. He will not change. He will remain the same yesterday, today and forever and because of that, I can live TODAY. He has allowed earthly people to be a conduit for His love, His grace and His mercy and as I put hope in tomorrow, He will sustain me TODAY.

A good, new blog friend said it is necessary to give thanks while grieving. I couldn't for awhile. Today, I can. Father, thank you for the people you have brought into my path along this journey. Thank you for a new doctor who loves you very much. Thank you for the sisterhood I found with other mothers who have experienced loss. Thank you for caring for them and letting us grieve together. Thank you for letting them help me in this. Thank you for the people who have reached out to me because of this blog. Thank you for the friends I have that have been real and consistent. Thank you that my words never go unheard. Thank you for my husband's support and love. Thank you for this day my daily bread as I sit in this waiting room.

San Diego

This past weekend and for a few days of this week, Daniel brought me along on a business trip to San Diego. It was exactly what I needed. Time away from Arkansas, a bayside hotel room with a kingsize bed, and the beach.

While there I was able to reflect a lot. (probably a little too much). But it was SO GOOD for me. I love San Diego, CA. And I loved extra time with my husband. This is what I looked at while he was working during the day:

I love the ocean. I love the sound of waves crashing along the beach. I love drifting in and out of sleep and I love looking at endless water. Today I am choosing to think about this big sea being a fraction of the love God has for me. We cannot even comprehend how wide, high, long and deep is the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge. I am praying, like Paul, that I will have a small glimpse of this love I know He has for me and that it will lull me to places of deep peace and sleep just like the waves of the ocean.

Depression, Insomnia & Hope to Carry On

Having a three day weekend at home with my husband was a big plus over the Labor Day Holiday. I was able to relax, recuperate, laugh and grieve. I laughed for the first time (like a real, belly-aching laugh) this weekend, too. Yes, it's only one laugh, but it's a start.

Along with the weekend I have been able to recognize a new emotion which has crept upon me: DEPRESSION. Of course, it has been there all along through this grieving process, but it's turning into real depression. And it sucks. My doctor and I decided (my primary care physician) if it continues to worsen, I will have to get on some medicine in a month or so. I am dealing with what is called, "Postpartum Depression after Miscarriage." Basically it is like Postpartum Depression (real depression that sets in after childbirth in some women- lasting a few months) coupled with the grief from the loss of a baby. I am praying very hard that it goes away. Not because I am too prideful to get on medicine. I will if I have to. But mainly because it flat out sucks -AND- I am hoping my whacky hormones are contributing to it so once they level out a bit, it will subside. I am also praying because I believe the Lord can deliver me from this...

I have been clinging to a lot scriptures during these dark times. Many of the scriptures I have been clinging to have been mailed to me almost daily by my dear friend Elisabeth. She has literally mailed me a bible verse at least 30xs since this happened and most times, they arrive on the right day.

Another onset of this trauma has been insomnia. I have clinical insomnia now. It blows. I am up at least half of the night. And we all know what it's like to not sleep. You look at the clock and think, "If I fall asleep NOW I'll get 4 hours... If I fall asleep NOW I'll get 3.5 hours..." and so on. The worst part isn't the not sleeping. It's the thoughts that accompany me while I lay there. I start going a little crazy. And no sleep adds to the depression and anxiety and makes living a somewhat functional life in the middle of grief very hard. 

But, even as I write this. I have hope. I have hope that I will get better. I have hope I will sleep again. I have hope that the Lord will deliver me from this peril I am in. Sometimes the hope is barely a mustard seed and when in the throws of deep depression there is no hope, but today (and on a continuum, I am beginning to always have some) I am hopeful. I am hopeful that my God who didn't spare His Own Son for me, will deliver me from this. I have heard from other women who have been in my shoes, He was/is faithful for them, too-I am not alone in these stages. Deliverance may come through medicine, it may come through time allowing my body to remember how to sleep and chemical imbalances and hormonal imbalances to level out, but I have hope. And hope is the reason I can press on in the middle of my darkest nights and darkest days.

"Rejoice in hope... and be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12

Held

This song pretty much sums up how I feel right now. I honestly can relate to every, single lyric in this song...

**Held by Natalie Grant**

Two months is too little, they let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us

Who have died to live, it's unfair...

This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive...
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow


This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive...
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait for one hour
Watching for our Savior


This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive...
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

One month.

So today is the official "one month" mark since I learned about our babies' Heaven... It actually was not that bad of a day. I give myself permission to yell or cry later though. ;)

I have put a lot of pressure on myself when I realize it's only been one month. I have blogged a lot (as you all know), cried a lot, and expected a lot. Remember the post about clomid and our culture being one that wants instant gratification? I think I still struggle with this. I NEVER want to forget our Emma Kate and Sadler, but it's like I thought I would be a lot better by now. How silly. And realizing it is silly to put that burden on myself frees me up a bit. So, I might cry everyday for the rest of my life and I certainly won't ever be the same, and that is okay. Yes, the Lord IS and will continue to heal in a way only He can, but I will always be changed by this. So in light of change, here are some things that have changed in the past month:

1. I have dark brown hair. I feel like SJP in the movie "Sex in the City" (profound I know) when she was jilted by Big and grieved a lot. I look forward to when, like her, I will go back to my real color-blonde, and feel more like myself. My hair expresses how I feel and I kind of like that. (The black lipstick I long for would scare the Kindergarten students)
2. I began working out. I haven't stepped foot in a gym in FOUR years though I like being active by playing tennis, etc. I only go once a week so it hardly counts, but that is 4xs more than I was going. That's four times a month! And... this week I am going to go twice! -and dreading it, of course.
3. I started eating again (was too sad the first two weeks after the news). Took a couple of weeks, but I did it. I am back to enjoying crappy food and healthy food alike. Even though I am sad, I can eat through my tears.
4. I throw a toy around with my dog every day after school in the back yard. While it's somewhat of a chore for me, he loves it.
5. I started seeing a licensed, Christian counselor. She is wonderful. And she gives me permission to say really horrible things in that hour... I look forward to it every week.
6. My husband started traveling for work. Boo. 
7. I always look down when I am in public. Random one to include, but I just don't feel like looking at people anymore, so I don't. It's freeing. 
8. I've quit caring as much about what people think. This is super hard for me. But it is a nice change of pace.
9. I've started taking baths again. Like baths... obviously, I shower frequently. 
10. I don't wash my hair everyday anymore. I don't remember ever having "not washed my hair everyday" in my life. It's also freeing. 

Being Taught.

A friend who suffered a miscarriage text me today and said, "I know sometimes the reality is worse the more time passes- I know I felt further away from my baby as time went on and that just made it worse."
To be honest... I do feel farther from my babies as time passes. It's not because I want to, it is because the pain is still so real and intense it's like pushing them out of my mind helps me get through the day. When I talk to some women who have miscarried, say, 3+ years ago most of them reference their children as an "it." And/or some of them act like it is no big deal now. I don't feel this way. And I don't think I ever will. And, I don't want to skip part of this pain, learning, growing, healing in this FIRE I am in just to "get through the moment." Father, help me feel what I need to feel in this FIRE.
It's obnoxious how analytical I am---I have this irrational fear if I post something remotely "on the bright side" etc., people will think I am "better" or that I am moving on. This isn't so. And some days are still much harder than others. But today I can write about some things I am learning in this FIRE which are for the good.

For starters, I feel very near to the Lord right now. He never goes anywhere, but unfortunately, my heart trails off and finds other lovers sometimes. Right now, He is my life. I have talked to other women who have suffered grief (especially this grief) and they have said the same thing. They "never felt closer to the Lord." And even if I am pissed with Him or want to scream at Him for letting this happen, I still know He is near. Even Jacob wrestled with God. I mean WRESTLED. And yeah, God broke His hip, but that in itself shows intimacy. God had to be so ever near to Jacob to even break his hip. Then as if wrestling with God wasn't enough... Jacob asked for a blessing. A blessing.
I feel like Jacob right now. And I don't think that is a bad thing. I am wrestling with God and asking for blessings at the same time. And it is bringing intimacy.

I have also learned some things about trust and faith. Too much to write about here and too many thoughts to even begin to sort, but I can say this:
I believe trusting God does not mean you trust in vain that "everything will be okay" or "how you want it to be." And praying in, with and through faith (even laying on of hands for a miracle healing) doesn't control what God will or won't do or what He will or won't allow to happen. I think He allows some things to happen and others not to happen. For example, if I prayed for my husband to be safe and protected every time he stepped on an airplane, would it take much faith to assume then "he'll be okay, nothing will happen to him"? No. Because something might. And if it did, what did I trust in? My prayer or my God? And I don't think if something did happen to him- say the plane crashed- it is because I did or didn't pray the right thing. I think it just happened. Or for example, lets say a mom assumed her son would be okay every time she prayed for him (he won't get leukemia, he won't be kidnapped, he won't/will fill-in-the-blank) if she assumed God answered the prayer by allowing her son to be "okay" she would be assuming she could control the mind of God... and in essence, relying on herself or her prayer... which leaves no room for real faith or real trust. I think the faith part of this whole deal comes in knowing God will take care of us no matter what. And the trusting comes with knowing whatever does happen, He will help us through it. I don't say this to be debbie downer, but it is life. Really shitty things happen. But God is not too small for any of them. And nothing can separate us from His love which knows no end...

It is not wrong to ask for prayers of protection (etc) and have hope the Lord will answer the prayers you wish He would etc., but I believe to walk in faith and trust Christ means that when the valleys come (in this world YOU WILL HAVE TROUBLE -Jesus) God is still enough. He still loves us. He still cares. And HE is the only one who knows all things. Only He can allow "even what the enemy (satan) intended for evil to be used for good." -book of Genesis. Should you still pray in faith? Of course. Should you still hope? Yes. God commands us to do both.

I don't want to assume I have it all figured out. I don't. I am learning. I am being refined. And yes, it is through FIRE I am being refined, but on the other side of this, I pray and hope I come out as gold. While in this fire, Father, help me survive.

Loneliness

I have forgotten what it is like to sleep. I mean really sleep. I have certainly taken it for granted before and would give anything to peacefully rest for 7-8 hours. Instead my nights are filled with fitful nightmares and/or bad dreams, hours looking at the clock, tears of frustration, and tears shed longing to hold my babies. I "woke" up this morning at 8:30AM-thank you for very much for not sleeping in on Sunday-only to realize the last time I looked at the clock it was 3:30AM. Nice. A night when the pressure is off (i.e. no work today) and I manage a mere 5hours of fitful sleep.

Upon "waking up" this morning, I felt crazy. I am beginning to feel crazy sometimes. I think it is due to a crap-load of things, but I know the lack of sleep is only intensifying them. Here are some other reasons I feel crazy:
Pre-Pregnancy, I already struggled (still struggle) with clinical anxiety.
Pregnancy makes you have weird hormones and makes you crazy.
Loss of Pregnancy makes you feel crazy. And I don't say that in jest or to minimize the other feelings it brings on... (grief, anger, sadness, frustration, etc. etc. etc.) 
And, oh yeah, did I mention my body is still recognizing itself as "pregnant?" What a peach. I have never prayed so hard for a period in my life. I want these hormones OUT OF ME... Knowing they are for naught right now makes me extra bananas. And in this craziness and loss, I feel lonely.

I re-posted Megan's post from http://oneemerald.blogspot.com/  this morning called "Members Only" in which she describes how knowing the pain of loss in miscarriage can only be found in those who have experienced it. Please read the post- I feel the EXACT SAME way.

I feel so very lonely during all of this. No one at my church has experienced this loss. No one at my work has come forward and told me they have experienced this loss except one sweet woman I have just met. (I work with 50+women...surely I am not alone??) None of my close friends (in close, physical proximity) have experienced this loss. And while I wouldn't wish this loss on my very worst enemy, It is VERY lonely to go through this alone.  No one understands the pain unless they have been through it.
**Side note: I am not negating pain. No way. Pain is pain and grief is grief... But there is an unfortunate, as Megan said, exclusivity that accompanies this pain and grief.**

And I feel (key word: feel) like people expect me to be better... it's been 3 weeks since the doctor showed us a lack of heartbeats. But how can anyone quickly recover from the pain of death? It is DEATH. It is a LOSS. It is FINAL. And it f'ing SUCKS.

I have some wonderful friends who have not forgotten about me- they have been consistent and even persistent in making sure I am alive (when I don't reply-Jilly Bean). A dear friend sent me a text yesterday and said this: "...I know you are still so deep in your pain and hurt and I still am so very sorry. I love you." Thank you for that text. Thank you for acknowledging I am not yet "better" and thank you for still praying for me. You know who you are and I love you so.
To those who have continued to stick by me: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Your friendships mean more than you will ever know and I say that with the utmost sincerity.

And if anyone out there has experienced the loss of a baby, I am so very sorry. I am so very sad for you. And if you are like me, right now you are longing for Heaven. The day your sweet child will meet you at the gates and run and jump in your arms. And it will be a beautiful, perfect day. 

One Emerald: Members Only

She is able to again sum up what I am feeling today.
One Emerald: Members Only: There's something about exclusivity that makes something more desirable. Even as little kids we form "clubs" so that only our best and trues...