A friend who suffered a miscarriage text me today and said, "I know sometimes the reality is worse the more time passes- I know I felt further away from my baby as time went on and that just made it worse."
To be honest... I do feel farther from my babies as time passes. It's not because I want to, it is because the pain is still so real and intense it's like pushing them out of my mind helps me get through the day. When I talk to some women who have miscarried, say, 3+ years ago most of them reference their children as an "it." And/or some of them act like it is no big deal now. I don't feel this way. And I don't think I ever will. And, I don't want to skip part of this pain, learning, growing, healing in this FIRE I am in just to "get through the moment." Father, help me feel what I need to feel in this FIRE.
It's obnoxious how analytical I am---I have this irrational fear if I post something remotely "on the bright side" etc., people will think I am "better" or that I am moving on. This isn't so. And some days are still much harder than others. But today I can write about some things I am learning in this FIRE which are for the good.
For starters, I feel very near to the Lord right now. He never goes anywhere, but unfortunately, my heart trails off and finds other lovers sometimes. Right now, He is my life. I have talked to other women who have suffered grief (especially this grief) and they have said the same thing. They "never felt closer to the Lord." And even if I am pissed with Him or want to scream at Him for letting this happen, I still know He is near. Even Jacob wrestled with God. I mean WRESTLED. And yeah, God broke His hip, but that in itself shows intimacy. God had to be so ever near to Jacob to even break his hip. Then as if wrestling with God wasn't enough... Jacob asked for a blessing. A blessing.
I feel like Jacob right now. And I don't think that is a bad thing. I am wrestling with God and asking for blessings at the same time. And it is bringing intimacy.
I have also learned some things about trust and faith. Too much to write about here and too many thoughts to even begin to sort, but I can say this:
I believe trusting God does not mean you trust in vain that "everything will be okay" or "how you want it to be." And praying in, with and through faith (even laying on of hands for a miracle healing) doesn't control what God will or won't do or what He will or won't allow to happen. I think He allows some things to happen and others not to happen. For example, if I prayed for my husband to be safe and protected every time he stepped on an airplane, would it take much faith to assume then "he'll be okay, nothing will happen to him"? No. Because something might. And if it did, what did I trust in? My prayer or my God? And I don't think if something did happen to him- say the plane crashed- it is because I did or didn't pray the right thing. I think it just happened. Or for example, lets say a mom assumed her son would be okay every time she prayed for him (he won't get leukemia, he won't be kidnapped, he won't/will fill-in-the-blank) if she assumed God answered the prayer by allowing her son to be "okay"
she would be assuming she could control the mind of God... and in
essence, relying on herself or her prayer... which leaves no room for real faith or real trust. I think the faith part of this whole deal comes in knowing God will take care of us no matter what. And the trusting comes with knowing whatever does happen, He will help us through it. I don't say this to be debbie downer, but it is life. Really shitty things happen. But God is not too small for any of them. And nothing can separate us from His love which knows no end...
It is not wrong to ask for prayers of protection (etc) and have hope the Lord will answer the prayers you wish He would etc., but I believe to walk in faith and trust Christ means that when the valleys come (in this world YOU WILL HAVE TROUBLE -Jesus) God is still enough. He still loves us. He still cares. And HE is the only one who knows all things. Only He can allow "even what the enemy (satan) intended for evil to be used for good." -book of Genesis. Should you still pray in faith? Of course. Should you still hope? Yes. God commands us to do both.
I don't want to assume I have it all figured out. I don't. I am learning. I am being refined. And yes, it is through FIRE I am being refined, but on the other side of this, I pray and hope I come out as gold. While in this fire, Father, help me survive.
