8.27.2012

One month.

So today is the official "one month" mark since I learned about our babies' Heaven... It actually was not that bad of a day. I give myself permission to yell or cry later though. ;)

I have put a lot of pressure on myself when I realize it's only been one month. I have blogged a lot (as you all know), cried a lot, and expected a lot. Remember the post about clomid and our culture being one that wants instant gratification? I think I still struggle with this. I NEVER want to forget our Emma Kate and Sadler, but it's like I thought I would be a lot better by now. How silly. And realizing it is silly to put that burden on myself frees me up a bit. So, I might cry everyday for the rest of my life and I certainly won't ever be the same, and that is okay. Yes, the Lord IS and will continue to heal in a way only He can, but I will always be changed by this. So in light of change, here are some things that have changed in the past month:
  1. I have dark brown hair. I feel like SJP in the movie "Sex in the City" (profound I know) when she was jilted by Big and grieved a lot. I look forward to when, like her, I will go back to my real color-blonde, and feel more like myself. My hair expresses how I feel and I kind of like that. (The black lipstick I long for would scare the Kindergarten students)
  2. I began working out. I haven't stepped foot in a gym in FOUR years though I like being active by playing tennis, etc. I only go once a week so it hardly counts, but that is 4xs more than I was going. That's four times a month! And... this week I am going to go twice! -and dreading it, of course.
  3. I started eating again (was too sad the first two weeks after the news). Took a couple of weeks, but I did it. I am back to enjoying crappy food and healthy food alike. Even though I am sad, I can eat through my tears.
  4. I throw a toy around with my dog every day after school in the back yard. While it's somewhat of a chore for me, he loves it.
  5. I started seeing a licensed, Christian counselor. She is wonderful. And she gives me permission to say really horrible things in that hour... I look forward to it every week.
  6. My husband started traveling for work. Boo. 
  7. I always look down when I am in public. Random one to include, but I just don't feel like looking at people anymore, so I don't. It's freeing. 
  8. I've quit caring as much about what people think. This is super hard for me. But it is a nice change of pace.
  9. I've started taking baths again. Like baths... obviously, I shower frequently. 
  10. I don't wash my hair everyday anymore. I don't remember ever having "not washed my hair everyday" in my life. It's also freeing. 

8.23.2012

Being Taught.

A friend who suffered a miscarriage text me today and said, "I know sometimes the reality is worse the more time passes- I know I felt further away from my baby as time went on and that just made it worse."
To be honest... I do feel farther from my babies as time passes. It's not because I want to, it is because the pain is still so real and intense it's like pushing them out of my mind helps me get through the day. When I talk to some women who have miscarried, say, 3+ years ago most of them reference their children as an "it." And/or some of them act like it is no big deal now. I don't feel this way. And I don't think I ever will. And, I don't want to skip part of this pain, learning, growing, healing in this FIRE I am in just to "get through the moment." Father, help me feel what I need to feel in this FIRE.
It's obnoxious how analytical I am---I have this irrational fear if I post something remotely "on the bright side" etc., people will think I am "better" or that I am moving on. This isn't so. And some days are still much harder than others. But today I can write about some things I am learning in this FIRE which are for the good.

For starters, I feel very near to the Lord right now. He never goes anywhere, but unfortunately, my heart trails off and finds other lovers sometimes. Right now, He is my life. I have talked to other women who have suffered grief (especially this grief) and they have said the same thing. They "never felt closer to the Lord." And even if I am pissed with Him or want to scream at Him for letting this happen, I still know He is near. Even Jacob wrestled with God. I mean WRESTLED. And yeah, God broke His hip, but that in itself shows intimacy. God had to be so ever near to Jacob to even break his hip. Then as if wrestling with God wasn't enough... Jacob asked for a blessing. A blessing.
I feel like Jacob right now. And I don't think that is a bad thing. I am wrestling with God and asking for blessings at the same time. And it is bringing intimacy.

I have also learned some things about trust and faith. Too much to write about here and too many thoughts to even begin to sort, but I can say this:
I believe trusting God does not mean you trust in vain that "everything will be okay" or "how you want it to be." And praying in, with and through faith (even laying on of hands for a miracle healing) doesn't control what God will or won't do or what He will or won't allow to happen. I think He allows some things to happen and others not to happen. For example, if I prayed for my husband to be safe and protected every time he stepped on an airplane, would it take much faith to assume then "he'll be okay, nothing will happen to him"? No. Because something might. And if it did, what did I trust in? My prayer or my God? And I don't think if something did happen to him- say the plane crashed- it is because I did or didn't pray the right thing. I think it just happened. Or for example, lets say a mom assumed her son would be okay every time she prayed for him (he won't get leukemia, he won't be kidnapped, he won't/will fill-in-the-blank) if she assumed God answered the prayer by allowing her son to be "okay" she would be assuming she could control the mind of God... and in essence, relying on herself or her prayer... which leaves no room for real faith or real trust. I think the faith part of this whole deal comes in knowing God will take care of us no matter what. And the trusting comes with knowing whatever does happen, He will help us through it. I don't say this to be debbie downer, but it is life. Really shitty things happen. But God is not too small for any of them. And nothing can separate us from His love which knows no end...

It is not wrong to ask for prayers of protection (etc) and have hope the Lord will answer the prayers you wish He would etc., but I believe to walk in faith and trust Christ means that when the valleys come (in this world YOU WILL HAVE TROUBLE -Jesus) God is still enough. He still loves us. He still cares. And HE is the only one who knows all things. Only He can allow "even what the enemy (satan) intended for evil to be used for good." -book of Genesis. Should you still pray in faith? Of course. Should you still hope? Yes. God commands us to do both.

I don't want to assume I have it all figured out. I don't. I am learning. I am being refined. And yes, it is through FIRE I am being refined, but on the other side of this, I pray and hope I come out as gold. While in this fire, Father, help me survive.

8.19.2012

Loneliness

I have forgotten what it is like to sleep. I mean really sleep. I have certainly taken it for granted before and would give anything to peacefully rest for 7-8 hours. Instead my nights are filled with fitful nightmares and/or bad dreams, hours looking at the clock, tears of frustration, and tears shed longing to hold my babies. I "woke" up this morning at 8:30AM-thank you for very much for not sleeping in on Sunday-only to realize the last time I looked at the clock it was 3:30AM. Nice. A night when the pressure is off (i.e. no work today) and I manage a mere 5hours of fitful sleep.

Upon "waking up" this morning, I felt crazy. I am beginning to feel crazy sometimes. I think it is due to a crap-load of things, but I know the lack of sleep is only intensifying them. Here are some other reasons I feel crazy:
Pre-Pregnancy, I already struggled (still struggle) with clinical anxiety.
Pregnancy makes you have weird hormones and makes you crazy.
Loss of Pregnancy makes you feel crazy. And I don't say that in jest or to minimize the other feelings it brings on... (grief, anger, sadness, frustration, etc. etc. etc.) 
And, oh yeah, did I mention my body is still recognizing itself as "pregnant?" What a peach. I have never prayed so hard for a period in my life. I want these hormones OUT OF ME... Knowing they are for naught right now makes me extra bananas. And in this craziness and loss, I feel lonely.

I re-posted Megan's post from http://oneemerald.blogspot.com/  this morning called "Members Only" in which she describes how knowing the pain of loss in miscarriage can only be found in those who have experienced it. Please read the post- I feel the EXACT SAME way.

I feel so very lonely during all of this. No one at my church has experienced this loss. No one at my work has come forward and told me they have experienced this loss except one sweet woman I have just met. (I work with 50+women...surely I am not alone??) None of my close friends (in close, physical proximity) have experienced this loss. And while I wouldn't wish this loss on my very worst enemy, It is VERY lonely to go through this alone.  No one understands the pain unless they have been through it.
**Side note: I am not negating pain. No way. Pain is pain and grief is grief... But there is an unfortunate, as Megan said, exclusivity that accompanies this pain and grief.**

And I feel (key word: feel) like people expect me to be better... it's been 3 weeks since the doctor showed us a lack of heartbeats. But how can anyone quickly recover from the pain of death? It is DEATH. It is a LOSS. It is FINAL. And it f'ing SUCKS.

I have some wonderful friends who have not forgotten about me- they have been consistent and even persistent in making sure I am alive (when I don't reply-Jilly Bean). A dear friend sent me a text yesterday and said this: "...I know you are still so deep in your pain and hurt and I still am so very sorry. I love you." Thank you for that text. Thank you for acknowledging I am not yet "better" and thank you for still praying for me. You know who you are and I love you so.
To those who have continued to stick by me: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Your friendships mean more than you will ever know and I say that with the utmost sincerity.

And if anyone out there has experienced the loss of a baby, I am so very sorry. I am so very sad for you. And if you are like me, right now you are longing for Heaven. The day your sweet child will meet you at the gates and run and jump in your arms. And it will be a beautiful, perfect day. 




One Emerald: Members Only

She is able to again sum up what I am feeling today.
One Emerald: Members Only: There's something about exclusivity that makes something more desirable. Even as little kids we form "clubs" so that only our best and trues...

8.16.2012

One Emerald: Grieving Thomas

Praise God for your blog, Megan. And praise Jesus for your insight with this post.

One Emerald: Grieving Thomas: There’s a story in the scriptures about a man name Thomas who loved and knew Jesus. Even if you don’t know much about Bible stories, you’ve ...

More than we can bear.

I am not a theologian, but I do feel like I have been given some insight and would like to write about what I am learning. If someone finds the following false, please feel free to email me. I want to keep growing in Truth.

I keep hearing throughout all of this, "God will not give you more than you can bear," however, I cannot find this anywhere in Scripture. I think it is actually unbiblical to say that statement. When things  get really hard for people, we like to say the above statement as a form of comfort. I have said it before. People say it to me now ALL. THE. TIME. But, I am just not sure it is true. I have searched for a Scripture that might indicate this and have yet to find one. When did this become the Christian norm to say? It's like most of the church has adopted this as sound theology. In fact, my friend text me the other night and told me (w/out me addressing the issue) she, too, thought it was completely unbiblical to say "God won't give us more than we can handle." In the sense of trusting God to see us through things-even the worst things- for me, the loss of my two children- we can, howeverhold onto the hope implied from the statement. Instead in Scripture I find this: "Though He slay me; yet, I will trust in Him" (Job 13), "In this world you WILL have troubles" (John 16) "Pick up your cross and follow me" (Luke 9, Matthew 16) "Be patient in tribulation" (Romans 12), "Sufferings produce endurance" (Romans 5) And so on and so on....

I see the opposite of that statement being true. I have been dealt more than I can handle. You can ask my husband- I am not "handling" any of this well. God's grace is getting me through. And to quit believing that statement has helped me trust the Lord more. Because when I lived by the statement, I kept asking God "why would you give me this?".  I just don't think He did. And I don't think He expects me to handle it well. It just sucks. And, I need to hold onto real truth in this time... as I am being bombarded with arrows from the evil one continuously. "It's your fault"; "God doesn't love you"; "If you would have had more faith, they would have lived"; "God doesn't care about your prayers" and on and on... Sometimes I feel like I am drowning in these thoughts. Thank you for praying against them.

So these are the things I can find to be true and Scripturally sound: God loves me. (I don't love myself well.) God cares about me. (I feel selfish caring about me.) God allows things to happen, but it doesn't mean He caused them. God is in control. (I am NOT in control.) God knows all things. (I don't know all things.) And God has not and will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear. But in this verse, there is a difference in what we can handle vs. temptations. 

I am choosing to trust God with this mustard seed of faith.

8.12.2012

to pray.

I have a lot of thoughts. Lots. I cannot sort through enough of them to properly write much of anything right now, but I would like to share some verses and ask if you read this, to pray them for my husband and for me. Obviously, the circumstances were different for Paul, however, I feel as if I can really relate to this.

"For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia (or for us: in Arkansas). For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. (Oh God, please deliver Daniel and I from this pain and despair). On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. You also (please!) must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many."
2 Corinthians 1:8-11

8.09.2012

The World Goes On...

I started work on Monday. This is the week all faculty and staff attend a thousand meetings, plan schedules, arrange classrooms and leave mentally and physically exhausted everyday. I could not handle going back to work so soon. It has been so overwhelming and so hard. I couldn't make it through full days on Monday & Tuesday. And yesterday, I really felt like I was exploding on the inside. People kept talking about the upcoming year and all these things that while I am sure they are important, I don't care about right now. It was like they were talking Chinese and I was just nodding my head- pretending to listen. Pretending to hear. Instead on repeat was, "Your babies did not make it. You were suppose to be sharing the news of your pregnancy this week. Now, you are so sad and forced to be here. Your babies did not make it. Your babies did not make it." Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. The icing on the cake is the girl who is beginning to show and has a due date 3 days before mine. Seeing her rub her belly and everyone rave in excitement over her joy makes me want to hide in a hole until everyone leaves the room. Watching her belly grow and looking down realizing mine is, if anything, shrinking has been so hard.

People say getting back into a "routine" should help me. And maybe on some levels it is. It forces me to brush my teeth and hair, put on a little makeup (if I am so inclined), and do things. But is that really helpful? Why do we have this general notion that forced activity "helps" us? Why does our society make us feel like we are "getting better" if we do things required of us? As if I am not already being asked much of by God. I told someone the other day I just wish God didn't ask this of me. I am beginning to trust Him again (and I can't really say, even despite my extreme anger at times, that I fully quit trusting Him; rather, the confusion and anger were, and sometimes still are, so overwhelming. I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle. (Amended statement here [8.18.12] perhaps I didn't find comfort in that bc I didn't really ever believe it and I think it is not biblical- see my post here). But that is for me to know and the Spirit of God, Himself, to impress upon my heart. Don't tell me that. When other people tell me that in a dismissive, disingenuous way, I want to slap them and then say, "When you lose twins, your precious babies, come and tell me that." If you love God, pray for me. Ask Him to do the rest. Pray scriptures over me. Send me encouraging verses. And if you do say something "encouraging" to me, please only say it if it is heart felt. I don't really have many expectations of people during this time. No one knows what to say and that is okay. And for the most part, I give people grace when they say dumb things... The Lord will heal the hurts of others' words. **Note: dear friends reading this blog, you have been the ones getting me through this. And I appreciate you all and your words. I am talking about strangers and acquaintances.**

However, I am beginning to HOPE again. I am beginning to really believe that as Paul writes in Romans, "hope does not disappoint." I am beginning to believe if God asked this much of me, He will see me through it. He has to. And He already has this far. God, please continue to HELP me in all of this. I know you are big enough to handle my emotions when my own heart deceives me. I know you can handle my anger. Holy Spirit, breathe LIFE into me. Speak TRUTH over the enemy's yells. Breathe peace that really does SURPASS knowledge into my heart. Help me, Father. I trust you.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." Romans 15:13
"Now HOPE does NOT DISAPPOINT, because the LOVE of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Romans 5:5

8.04.2012

Psalm 139

Taken from Psalm 139.

To my children with all my love. 
Love, Mommy. 

He created your inmost beings. He knit you both together in my womb- your mommy's womb. I praise God because you both were fearfully and wonderfully made and you both were perfect. I know His works are wonderful. I want to know that full well. For your frames were not hidden from Him when you were made in the most secret place of my womb; when you were woven together in the depths of the earth. His eyes saw your unformed bodies and all the days ordained for you were written in His book of Life before one of them came to be. You both are in Heaven now and you both are very loved. 

8.03.2012

Details.

The following describes what happened during our last and few doctor visits. I need to write about it. You don't have to read it. This, like really any other post, is to help me.

The first time we went to the doctor, we were in shock. Because of my hormone levels prior to becoming pregnant, the doctor requested I get blood work done when I finally got a positive on that test. They drew blood to check my hCG and progesterone. This happened on a Thursday. Monday morning the nurse called me and told me to come in that day. No choice. I had to be there. I could tell there was worry in her voice. It was the first day of my husband's new job so I was so scared... I figured I would have to go alone.  His lovely boss insisted he be there with me. So he came. 

Upon our arrival, we were sent to the 11th floor of the hospital where the ultrasound technology center is. (Basically a souped up ultrasound enabling the doctor to see what regular ultrasound machines can't). While laying on the table the doctor asked me how far along I was. "4 weeks, but they said my levels are really high." She looked on the ultrasound for what seemed like forever. Silence. "Is everything okay?" I asked. She replied, "Well, you look a little farther along than that...and I am seeing more than one baby." I had the typical reaction. Shock. My husband on the other hand was so excited- my excitement was soon to follow- it was just a lot to digest at the moment. She then starting pointing to our little babies. "See, there is one, we'll call it Baby A and there is the other, we'll call it Baby B. You are measuring to be 7 weeks 4 days." Remember the nurse's worry when she called? She thought I was actually having a molar or chemical pregnancy because my hCG and progesterone were so high. But instead, I was twice as far along with twice as many babies. She didn't tell me that until after she heard the good news- she was so happy for me and even more happy her suspicions were wrong. 
Thrilled. We left elated. Not only was I twice as far along as I had suspected without really even feeling too sick, we had twice as many babies, twice as many blessings and twice as much joy. I couldn't sleep that night. It felt like the night before Christmas. The joy overwhelmed my husband and me. 

Almost 2 weeks later we had our first, real OB check up with my OBGYN. She, too, wanted to do an ultrasound to see our sweet babies. It was amazing. They were 9 weeks old and just perfect. Sadler, our little boy, was upside down frantically waving his already developed arms and legs and wiggling as fast as he could. His sister, Emmie, was right side up in typical fetal position scooting eagerly away from her brother. He was already getting on her nerves. Daniel and I both laughed and cried a little, too. They reminded us of each other. Daniel is so happy-go-lucky (especially in the mornings) and while I, too, can be hyper myself, overall, I am the more melancholic one of the two of us. And do not mess with me in the mornings. I felt our sweet Emmie's annoyance with cute, hyper Sadler. Our doctor explained once you see good, strong heartbeats the chances of miscarrying are much smaller. She didn't make any empty promises but said our babies looked very good and very healthy. 

Today I was suppose to go in for my 13.5 week check up. (She wanted to see me again in 4 weeks from our last appointment). Instead, I went in last Friday. The. Worst. Day. Ever. I've said it before, but I HATE July. I want to write so much profanity around that blasted month... I save those words for my personal journal. And there, I don't hold back one damn bit.

I went in last Friday because I was, again, having some slight spotting. (Daniel was at work so he didn't come and there wasn't much reason for concern, plus he would be coming with me to the appointment I was suppose to have today). I figured she would tell me what she told me last time I had spotting. No activity of any sort for 2 weeks- feet elevated- take it very easy. 

I was a little over 12 weeks. Some pregnant would refer to my gestational period as being in the "beginning of my 13th week." That's so stupid. I want to remember my babies at exactly the age they were. Why do pregnant women rush their pregnancies? It serves no purpose. My doctor did a normal OB check up and said things looked good. She then said, "Let's go have a look at the babies for peace of mind." Peace of mind- what a stupid, stupid term- we have yet to find that. She did an abdominal ultrasound and didn't say much and I couldn't see much either. I am petite, however, and figured she needed to do one using the TV probe. (google it, don't wanna write ab it). I saw my babies immediately and although I am not a doctor, mommies know what to look for. That flicker on the screen. That tiny bright, white light that flickers so quickly. It's a heartbeat. I frantically, with panic in my voice said, "where are the heartbeats." And she just said, "I am so sorry." Laying on a cold table in a dark, freezing room I watched my hopes and dreams fall far far away. She held my hand and said, "It is nothing you did or didn't do. We don't understand why, but these things happen." 

I called Daniel. Before bursting into tears I got out, "We lost our babies." Why did I say that? Why do people say that term "lost/losing babies?" They didn't go anywhere. They weren't lost. They were laying still in my womb. They were VERY much THERE. The doctor then took the phone and explained to him what I couldn't through my sobs: they were no heartbeats.

He rushed straight to the hospital and my OBGYN sent us upstairs to the fancy ultrasound to confirm- to make sure sure our babies were now angel babies. I knew they were before we went in that room. I didn't look at the screen when the fancy ultrasound was done. I didn't want to see our babies laying lifelessly both on their backs. I wanted to remember them as they were: Sadler dancing upside down and Emmie nestled right side up. 

I have decided to only remember them that way. I keep begging for God to take the image of them on their backs out of my head. He hasn't. 

Monday, I went in for the D&C. Supposedly because of twins, you have twice as much of everything in you. When the doctor finished the surgery, she came out of the O.R. to tell Daniel how the procedure went. I lost too much blood and a transfusion was looking very likely. The twins had twice as much tissue, etc., and my body just wouldn't stop bleeding. Hearing that sounds like a mean joke. It's extra shitty. "Oh yeah, not only did two babies die, but because you had the double blessing of two, I am going to make the recovery time twice as hard, too. Just in case you forgot: You lost two babies." I wonder if that is what God is thinking sometimes. I know it's not, but I can't help and wonder that. 

Luckily (I guess), I didn't end up needed someone else's blood. I just had to stay in the hospital longer and the recovery time is a little longer, too. Again- you know, just to remind me of what we did actually lose. 

For my husband's sake, I am glad I made it through surgery fine despite the few complications. 

I don't know a proper closure to this entry. Rather, I just needed to write about it. Now questions are answered. Hopefully the coming posts will reveal a small mark of healing and believing again ... a track record of sorts (i hate that term, but for lack of better).... but for now it's raw, authentic pain. 

8.02.2012

Anger.


I am overwhelmed by anger. Overwhelmed with it because it is not the only emotion I am feeling. If I was only feeling grief, then maybe I could handle the grief. But I am feeling sadness, fear, worry, confusion, anger and sometimes-even numbness. How do you handle so many emotions at once? And why would God ask me to? Anger has overwhelmed me.

He tells us to pray. He tells us to pray for things in His Will. Is a child's life not something in His Will? Is protection over their health and safety not something that pleases Him?

The logical/theologically sound side of me knows He doesn't answer our prayers the way we wish He did, but then why the hell pray? Was it all for naught? It certainly seems that way. And I know no one here on this earth knows what to say to make it better. I don't expect them to. It wouldn't be fair of me. But why do people who have experienced no suffering say things like "It will get better." They don't know. They haven't dealt with this. And it's trite. I don't want to hear that. I know they are trying to help, but I don't believe it will. I don't know how to trust God anymore. There is no point. I know trusting God means surrendering and letting things out of our control be in His. But isn't part of that trust assuming He'll take care of us? Or in a child-like manner assuming it will all be okay? I understand that sort of trust is in vain now. But why lead me through this to understand it. And why do I have friends that have perfectly healthy babies and pregnancies and they didn't have to learn this lesson? Was I in some deep sin and God wanted to play a mean joke on me to "wake me up?"

And why do this to my husband. He is practically a saint. Writing about him will only make me fall apart. He is the best man I have ever met. And he doesn't deserve this.

And I know we "don't deserve" anything. But surely this even is considered undeserved.

God, help me to trust you when I want to slap you. Help me believe you when I think you are a liar. Help me believe despite my unbelief.
You are good. Let me believe that.
 
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