I have put a lot of pressure on myself when I realize it's only been one month. I have blogged a lot (as you all know), cried a lot, and expected a lot. Remember the post about clomid and our culture being one that wants instant gratification? I think I still struggle with this. I NEVER want to forget our Emma Kate and Sadler, but it's like I thought I would be a lot better by now. How silly. And realizing it is silly to put that burden on myself frees me up a bit. So, I might cry everyday for the rest of my life and I certainly won't ever be the same, and that is okay. Yes, the Lord IS and will continue to heal in a way only He can, but I will always be changed by this. So in light of change, here are some things that have changed in the past month:
- I have dark brown hair. I feel like SJP in the movie "Sex in the City" (profound I know) when she was jilted by Big and grieved a lot. I look forward to when, like her, I will go back to my real color-blonde, and feel more like myself. My hair expresses how I feel and I kind of like that. (The black lipstick I long for would scare the Kindergarten students)
- I began working out. I haven't stepped foot in a gym in FOUR years though I like being active by playing tennis, etc. I only go once a week so it hardly counts, but that is 4xs more than I was going. That's four times a month! And... this week I am going to go twice! -and dreading it, of course.
- I started eating again (was too sad the first two weeks after the news). Took a couple of weeks, but I did it. I am back to enjoying crappy food and healthy food alike. Even though I am sad, I can eat through my tears.
- I throw a toy around with my dog every day after school in the back yard. While it's somewhat of a chore for me, he loves it.
- I started seeing a licensed, Christian counselor. She is wonderful. And she gives me permission to say really horrible things in that hour... I look forward to it every week.
- My husband started traveling for work. Boo.
- I always look down when I am in public. Random one to include, but I just don't feel like looking at people anymore, so I don't. It's freeing.
- I've quit caring as much about what people think. This is super hard for me. But it is a nice change of pace.
- I've started taking baths again. Like baths... obviously, I shower frequently.
- I don't wash my hair everyday anymore. I don't remember ever having "not washed my hair everyday" in my life. It's also freeing.
