I have forgotten what it is like to sleep. I mean really sleep. I have certainly taken it for granted before and would give anything to peacefully rest for 7-8 hours. Instead my nights are filled with fitful nightmares and/or bad dreams, hours looking at the clock, tears of frustration, and tears shed longing to hold my babies. I "woke" up this morning at 8:30AM-thank you for very much for not sleeping in on Sunday-only to realize the last time I looked at the clock it was 3:30AM. Nice. A night when the pressure is off (i.e. no work today) and I manage a mere 5hours of fitful sleep.
Upon "waking up" this morning, I felt crazy. I am beginning to feel crazy sometimes. I think it is due to a crap-load of things, but I know the lack of sleep is only intensifying them. Here are some other reasons I feel crazy:
Pre-Pregnancy, I already struggled (still struggle) with clinical anxiety.
Pregnancy makes you have weird hormones and makes you crazy.
Loss of Pregnancy makes you feel crazy. And I don't say that in jest or to minimize the other feelings it brings on... (grief, anger, sadness, frustration, etc. etc. etc.)
And, oh yeah, did I mention my body is still recognizing itself as "pregnant?" What a peach. I have never prayed so hard for a period in my life. I want these hormones OUT OF ME... Knowing they are for naught right now makes me extra bananas. And in this craziness and loss, I feel lonely.
I re-posted Megan's post from http://oneemerald.blogspot.com/ this morning called "Members Only" in which she describes how knowing the pain of loss in miscarriage can only be found in those who have experienced it. Please read the post- I feel the EXACT SAME way.
I feel so very lonely during all of this. No one at my church has experienced this loss. No one at my work has come forward and told me they have experienced this loss except one sweet woman I have just met. (I work with 50+women...surely I am not alone??) None of my close friends (in close, physical proximity) have experienced this loss. And while I wouldn't wish this loss on my very worst enemy, It is VERY lonely to go through this alone. No one understands the pain unless they have been through it.
**Side note: I am not negating pain. No way. Pain is pain and grief is grief... But there is an unfortunate, as Megan said, exclusivity that accompanies this pain and grief.**
And I feel (key word: feel) like people expect me to be better... it's been 3 weeks since the doctor showed us a lack of heartbeats. But how can anyone quickly recover from the pain of death? It is DEATH. It is a LOSS. It is FINAL. And it f'ing SUCKS.
I have some wonderful friends who have not forgotten about me- they have been consistent and even persistent in making sure I am alive (when I don't reply-Jilly Bean). A dear friend sent me a text yesterday and said this: "...I know you are still so deep in your pain and hurt and I still am so very sorry. I love you." Thank you for that text. Thank you for acknowledging I am not yet "better" and thank you for still praying for me. You know who you are and I love you so.
To those who have continued to stick by me: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Your friendships mean more than you will ever know and I say that with the utmost sincerity.
And if anyone out there has experienced the loss of a baby, I am so very sorry. I am so very sad for you. And if you are like me, right now you are longing for Heaven. The day your sweet child will meet you at the gates and run and jump in your arms. And it will be a beautiful, perfect day.
