Having a three day weekend at home with my husband was a big plus over the Labor Day Holiday. I was able to relax, recuperate, laugh and grieve. I laughed for the first time (like a real, belly-aching laugh) this weekend, too. Yes, it's only one laugh, but it's a start.
Along with the weekend I have been able to recognize a new emotion which has crept upon me: DEPRESSION. Of course, it has been there all along through this grieving process, but it's turning into real depression. And it sucks. My doctor and I decided (my primary care physician) if it continues to worsen, I will have to get on some medicine in a month or so. I am dealing with what is called, "Postpartum Depression after Miscarriage." Basically it is like Postpartum Depression (real depression that sets in after childbirth in some women- lasting a few months) coupled with the grief from the loss of a baby. I am praying very hard that it goes away. Not because I am too prideful to get on medicine. I will if I have to. But mainly because it flat out sucks -AND- I am hoping my whacky hormones are contributing to it so once they level out a bit, it will subside. I am also praying because I believe the Lord can deliver me from this...
I have been clinging to a lot scriptures during these dark times. Many of the scriptures I have been clinging to have been mailed to me almost daily by my dear friend Elisabeth. She has literally mailed me a bible verse at least 30xs since this happened and most times, they arrive on the right day.
Another onset of this trauma has been insomnia. I have clinical insomnia now. It blows. I am up at least half of the night. And we all know what it's like to not sleep. You look at the clock and think, "If I fall asleep NOW I'll get 4 hours... If I fall asleep NOW I'll get 3.5 hours..." and so on. The worst part isn't the not sleeping. It's the thoughts that accompany me while I lay there. I start going a little crazy. And no sleep adds to the depression and anxiety and makes living a somewhat functional life in the middle of grief very hard.
But, even as I write this. I have hope. I have hope that I will get better. I have hope I will sleep again. I have hope that the Lord will deliver me from this peril I am in. Sometimes the hope is barely a mustard seed and when in the throws of deep depression there is no hope, but today (and on a continuum, I am beginning to always have some) I am hopeful. I am hopeful that my God who didn't spare His Own Son for me, will deliver me from this. I have heard from other women who have been in my shoes, He was/is faithful for them, too-I am not alone in these stages. Deliverance may come through medicine, it may come through time allowing my body to remember how to sleep and chemical imbalances and hormonal imbalances to level out, but I have hope. And hope is the reason I can press on in the middle of my darkest nights and darkest days.
"Rejoice in hope... and be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12
