I finally feel like I might be dismissed from this waiting room. I will, of course, have to go into another, but this one's time is coming to an end... I think.
My thoughts to myself a couple of weeks ago:
I have made a decision to switch doctors. I need a fresh start and I need clarity from someone who will lend an ear and give me some extra TLC. If that makes me high maintenance right now, I don't care. It's America- we pay for our healthcare, so I want the best and that is that. God, please provide a good, new doctor and clarity to make that decision. You know me well. You know I will agonize over every detail. Make the answer clear. Please!
He did. The Lord landed me in Dr. Breniman's lap. The doctor's mission? "To be part of a clinic where Christ is preeminent." When I met with him 2 weeks ago he sat with me in his office for an hour. He didn't put me in a scantily clad robe in a freezing cold room and give me 5 minutes of his time. He brought me to his office, played plinky plunky music (F-R-I-E-N-D-S, anyone?) and listened.
With a new doctor, I feel as if I am getting out this waiting room. I keep thinking about Shane Bernard's song lyrics: **sitting in the waiting room of silence, waiting for that still soft voice I know, offering my words up to the rooftop to Your heart, trusting that this closet's where You are.** I have been in such a waiting room. My hCG levels still are high and my body thinks it's pregnant, which has brought an onset of other complications, and it has been so hard. Most women's bodies return to "normal" 4-5 weeks after a D&C... well, I will be at 7 weeks Monday, and it can't get to a "new normal" yet because I still have hCG in me (that is rare), and I am still experiencing post-surgery symptoms (usually those only last 4days to 3weeks max). I want out of this waiting room. The blessing of it all is this: the hormone levels are dropping. And when they get down to zero, I have a chance at a new normal.
For the first time since all of this, I have hope for the future, coupled with trying to live for today. A very dear friend and I were emailing back and forth yesterday, and she could relate to living for "today." She said, "God gives us grace for today. God doesn't give us grace
to live in tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or next year. If we
try to live there and be there mentally and emotionally, then we will
live in a hurricane. All God gives is grace for today, to make it
through this day, with this daily bread, and his grace is MORE than
enough for this day. And the next day, the abundant grace starts all
over again." Words. Of. Wisdom. ... Words. To. Live. By.
From the beginning of my pregnancy I told the Lord when worries came I didn't want to use the doctors as my source of hope. I never wanted to go to an appointment and leave idolizing the doctors and their views/opinions. I know the Lord is the Ultimate Doctor. But, I also asked that He would allow them to be a conduit for my understanding of His ability in this, on this earth.
When I went to my new doctor, the Lord allowed just that. My new doctor is not God. But, He has a set of skills and knowledge I don't, and he can help me understand what is happening in the here and now which has brought me an ability to live more easily in the "today." He is running all the necessary tests, and he even has given me a "game plan" for the future. While this requires more waiting, it is a step forward. And I feel like I can breathe... literally. For the first time in a LONG time, I can breathe. I can't even begin to explain what it is like. It is still so very hard and I am still grieving, but I know there is hope in tomorrow and God's grace will abundantly supply me tomorrow as I sit in this waiting room TODAY. He has not left me. He will not change. He will remain the same yesterday, today and forever and because of that, I can live TODAY. He has allowed earthly people to be a conduit for His love, His grace and His mercy and as I put hope in tomorrow, He will sustain me TODAY.
A good, new blog friend said it is necessary to give thanks while grieving. I couldn't for awhile. Today, I can. Father, thank you for the people you have brought into my path along this journey. Thank you for a new doctor who loves you very much. Thank you for the sisterhood I found with other mothers who have experienced loss. Thank you for caring for them and letting us grieve together. Thank you for letting them help me in this. Thank you for the people who have reached out to me because of this blog. Thank you for the friends I have that have been real and consistent. Thank you that my words never go unheard. Thank you for my husband's support and love. Thank you for this day my daily bread as I sit in this waiting room.
