I am overwhelmed by anger. Overwhelmed with it because it is not the
only emotion I am feeling. If I was only feeling grief, then maybe I could
handle the grief. But I am feeling sadness, fear, worry, confusion, anger and sometimes-even
numbness. How do you handle so many emotions at once? And why would God ask me
to? Anger has overwhelmed me.
He tells us to pray. He tells us to pray for things in His Will. Is a
child's life not something in His Will? Is protection over their health and
safety not something that pleases Him?
The logical/theologically sound side of me knows He doesn't answer our
prayers the way we wish He did, but then why the hell pray? Was it all for
naught? It certainly seems that way. And I know no one here on this earth knows
what to say to make it better. I don't expect them to. It wouldn't be fair of
me. But why do people who have experienced no suffering say things like
"It will get better." They don't know. They haven't dealt with this.
And it's trite. I don't want to hear that. I know they are trying to help, but
I don't believe it will. I don't know how to trust God anymore. There is no
point. I know trusting God means surrendering and letting things out of our
control be in His. But isn't part of that trust assuming He'll take care of us?
Or in a child-like manner assuming it will all be okay? I understand that sort
of trust is in vain now. But why lead me through this to understand it. And why
do I have friends that have perfectly healthy babies and pregnancies and they
didn't have to learn this lesson? Was I in some deep sin and God wanted to play
a mean joke on me to "wake me up?"
And why do this to my husband. He is practically a saint. Writing about
him will only make me fall apart. He is the best man I have ever met. And he
doesn't deserve this.
And I know we "don't deserve" anything. But surely this even
is considered undeserved.
God, help me to trust you when I want to slap you. Help me believe you
when I think you are a liar. Help me believe despite my unbelief.
You are good. Let me believe that.
