I started work on Monday. This is the week all faculty and staff attend a thousand meetings, plan schedules, arrange classrooms and leave mentally and physically exhausted everyday. I could not handle going back to work so soon. It has been so overwhelming and so hard. I couldn't make it through full days on Monday & Tuesday. And yesterday, I really felt like I was exploding on the inside. People kept talking about the upcoming year and all these things that while I am sure they are important, I don't care about right now. It was like they were talking Chinese and I was just nodding my head- pretending to listen. Pretending to hear. Instead on repeat was, "Your babies did not make it. You were suppose to be sharing the news of your pregnancy this week. Now, you are so sad and forced to be here. Your babies did not make it. Your babies did not make it." Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. The icing on the cake is the girl who is beginning to show and has a due date 3 days before mine. Seeing her rub her belly and everyone rave in excitement over her joy makes me want to hide in a hole until everyone leaves the room. Watching her belly grow and looking down realizing mine is, if anything, shrinking has been so hard.
People say getting back into a "routine" should help me. And maybe on some levels it is. It forces me to brush my teeth and hair, put on a little makeup (if I am so inclined), and do things. But is that really helpful? Why do we have this general notion that forced activity "helps" us? Why does our society make us feel like we are "getting better" if we do things required of us? As if I am not already being asked much of by God. I told someone the other day I just wish God didn't ask this of me. I am beginning to trust Him again (and I can't really say, even despite my extreme anger at times, that I fully quit trusting Him; rather, the confusion and anger were, and sometimes still are, so overwhelming. I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle. (Amended statement here [8.18.12] perhaps I didn't find comfort in that bc I didn't really ever believe it and I think it is not biblical- see my post here). But that is for me to know and the Spirit of God, Himself, to impress upon my heart. Don't tell me that. When other people tell me that in a dismissive, disingenuous way, I want to slap them and then say, "When you lose twins, your precious babies, come and tell me that." If you love God, pray for me. Ask Him to do the rest. Pray scriptures over me. Send me encouraging verses. And if you do say something "encouraging" to me, please only say it if it is heart felt. I don't really have many expectations of people during this time. No one knows what to say and that is okay. And for the most part, I give people grace when they say dumb things... The Lord will heal the hurts of others' words. **Note: dear friends reading this blog, you have been the ones getting me through this. And I appreciate you all and your words. I am talking about strangers and acquaintances.**
However, I am beginning to HOPE again. I am beginning to really believe that as Paul writes in Romans, "hope does not disappoint." I am beginning to believe if God asked this much of me, He will see me through it. He has to. And He already has this far. God, please continue to HELP me in all of this. I know you are big enough to handle my emotions when my own heart deceives me. I know you can handle my anger. Holy Spirit, breathe LIFE into me. Speak TRUTH over the enemy's yells. Breathe peace that really does SURPASS knowledge into my heart. Help me, Father. I trust you.
"May
the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that
by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." Romans 15:13
"Now
HOPE does NOT DISAPPOINT, because the LOVE of God has been poured out
in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Romans 5:5
