Emmie & Sadler

We both believe in our hearts we had a little girl and little boy for a short while on this earth. From the moment we found out we were having twins, we have been praying for their names. Of course we had many arguments regarding which name was best and we envisioned many names of our own, but our desire has always been to choose a name we believe the Lord confirmed.

In my heart, I believe my little girl's name is Emma Kate. We call her Emmie for short. It wasn't even on our list of names, but I know it was impressed upon my heart for a reason. She is so beautiful.

God revealed a name to Daniel, too. Sadler. Our precious, little boy is named Sadler and he is perfect.

Today has been so hard. I cannot put into words all of the emotions running through my mind, but I can think about one thing: my babies are in heaven. They met Noah. They saw his great, big boat and are enthralled with it! I'm sure they have many secret hiding spots inside that great, big boat. And at night they aren't scared. They don't fear darkness- there is no darkness in heaven. They are amidst the light of the world. Angels tuck them in there. They have many friends. Some were already waiting for them.
They get to sit on the lap of Jesus. For He even said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these."

Today, while we grieve and while we are so saddened by this loss, we find comfort knowing they are there.

Our Angel Babies

12 weeks. 12 weeks 2 days. It was suppose to be safe to tell the world we were pregnant. The online pregnant community (which I secretly despise) would say 12wk2d. I was suppose to anticipate calls from friends and family with their congrats. Congrats on “TWINS!” they would have said. We sent out letters knowing they would arrive when we reached the 12week mark. The “safe” mark. Instead, I had the worst day of my life. My husband did, too. Something was off. But nothing that caused great concern for me and of course not for my husband- the rock and pragmatic one throughout this all… Nevertheless I called the doctor. (It was a Friday). “We have no openings but I can put you through to the nurses hotline,” the receptionist said. Within one hour the nurse called back. “After hearing your symptoms I think you should come in right now.” (My “symptom” was light spotting- not enough cause for a great concern, but through my tears this nurse had compassion on me and fit me in immediately). So I went straight to the doctor. I went alone. I went because they wanted me to. I went because my husband needn’t have worried. I went because. . .

12weeks 2days, 12wk2d, I should have been in the clear. I should have had a moment of joy seeing their little heartbeats again. The “silly” one dancing with his arms and legs upside down (his preferable choice) and the “calm” one in typical fetal position resting the way she liked to (right-side up). Not today. Not this day. No, instead, I saw two sweet, angel babies lying on their backs with no movement. I saw every, single mother's worst nightmare: my babies were no longer living and dancing (or snuggling, sweet baby B- baby girl) in my womb. They were very much there, but their Spirits were in heaven.

I want to write about the grief. And the anger. I will. I will soon. I need to. But today, I need to write that it is not fair. It is not okay and even though the Lord WILL turn these ashes into beauty, I cannot see that now. Have I had glimpses? Yes? But my reality? No.

I hate July.

Tomorrow they will take my babies out of me. Sleep sweetly in the arms of your Savior my dear, precious children. We love you so deeply. We know you both are in the arms of your Savior and you did not experience the pain of this world.

We are experiencing it for you. 

CLOMID.

Our culture tells us we can have virtually anything we want, when we want it. Want a new car but can't afford it? Pay a small downpayment and then continue to pay it's depreciating value monthly. A house with that extra bedroom? Stretch your pennies. New clothes on a tight budget? Just put it on the credit card. It's such a culture of instantaneous gratification and if we can't have something we want right now- life isn't fair. It's almost like we don't know what to do with ourselves. We text when someone doesn't answer the phone (that'll show them). We look on Facebook when we haven't talked to our friends and we need to know what is going on in their life. We buy a better car to show our neighbors we can compete too.

For me and my heart (and I suspect most women's hearts)... the same issue occurred with the thought of children. I want one NOW. And if I can't have one NOW, God is being rude or unjust. When I went to the doctor earlier this Spring, she slammed me with a plethora of horrible options as to why I wasn't getting pregnant (immediately of course, because we want things immediately). Perhaps I didn't ovulate. If I did ovulate, she told me (based on a conjecture, not any tests) I probably produced bad eggs and would certainly miscarry on my own. Girls know going to this doctor is extremely vulnerable. You're already wearing nothing but a tiny sheet in a cold room with your legs in stirrups and the whole experience is just awkward. And then to be slammed with silly opinions based on unfound logic all the while sitting practically naked and exposed, really did me in that day. Immediately I switched doctors. And I wanted to slap her in the face to be perfectly honest. I refrained. 

I went to a doctor in Little Rock and she ran appropriate test to find the cause for my inability to get pregnant. Upon her first try, she found I did not ovulate on my own. While this is the "best" of the worst problems to have (because they say it's easily fixed), it was a really hard day for me. I felt like less of a woman. I felt like I had let my husband down, my body down, and that God was punishing me for past mistakes. I hate bad theology- unfortunately, I carry around with me like glue sometimes. My option at that point was Clomid. Clomid is not an antibiotic and it does not guarantee pregnancy; basically it's an estrogen inhibitor and allows women who do not ovulate on their own, the chance to do so. It is not dangerous, it is not a guarantee to getting pregnant, it basically allows people like me to do what other women due naturally: ovulate. 

My husband and I really wanted to pray about taking this medicine. We wanted to acknowledge that if we did take the medicine we still had to TRUST the Lord. Perhaps he would allow the medicine to open my womb, but ultimately it was/is HIS hand and HIS timing that will allow me to get pregnant. I learned a lot during those months up to and even after the testing, about how I really am not in control. I hate learning this lesson repeatedly, but I think with fertility, it really allows this lesson to hit home with me. It is a lasting lesson learned. And, while I want to be in control, I am realizing how much better life is with the Lord being in control. Sometimes my flesh thinks it sucks, but even in those moments, the Spirit is very kind to show me the Lord's mercy and grace. When a woman wants a baby and she thinks this is her God-given right, it is a constant death to the flesh to realize it's really not. It is a blessing from the Lord. Period. He doesn't owe me anything. And while it would be a delightful blessing, He knows what is best for me. My best interest is within His heart. Even if that means learning a lot in the process, because if that makes me more like Him, again, it is the closet I can come to truly knowing Him on earth. I don't know if those last sentences sum up what I mean, but I hope they do, because I really believe Christians walk around looking at other people's lives assuming they must have done something wrong to earn their fate or done something right for that matter. Really the Lord does as He pleases and it is for our Good- to become more like Him and nearer to Him in the process as He is the only thing that can satisfy. Praise the Lord. 

Surprise Old Man

This past weekend we flew to Minnesota to celebrate my dad’s 70^th birthday (surprise party style). While living to 70 is an accomplishment for really anyone, my dad’s is quite significant. He is a survivor of cancer (lymphoma), which he was diagnosed with at age 64 and again at age 66, as well as survivor of quadruple bypass surgery (though is skinny). We were all very happy to celebrate him. It was fun to have some of his family and friends all the way from Belgium to attend as well as his four kids all in one place... 

                                   In the airport with husband- on our way!

                                       My nephew and I on the plane

                           Dad with his four kids (Aly, Pascale, me, and Bernard)

                                       Dad blowing out his birthday cake.

The Most Bizarre School Year

Yesterday, I said goodbye to my sweet Kindergarten students. I had the privilege of spending the past 9 months with the little ones. It was the most interesting year I have had teaching thus far...

To say the least, one of my students was asked:

And he responded with this:

I am so glad I left such a lasting impression with these children. :) And, as a sweet thank you from one of my parents, I received this "End of the Year" thank you gift:

I know... What in the world is that? Oh you know, the usual gift- vintage cigarette cards from Europe. I'm still so confused... It would only be an appropriate "gift" coming from this particular class.... 

A baby?

We are not pregnant. But, I do feel like posting about this subject soon. So stay tuned. We have been through some things worth sharing (if you read this) and believe the Lord is leading us in this process. Sharing about this requires vulnerability. I don't owe it to the internet community, but I think it might help me to write about it. 

Stay tuned...

Alarm Clock Fail

First, you need to know I hate getting up in the morning. When I was a freshman in college my best friend Jill and I would start our mornings saying, “Good morning, $#%*!” because we had always slept through our alarms… and we were always late to class –or- if you can imagine, looking our finest…

Well, I am now teaching Kindergarten, which requires me to be places (like school) in a timely manner…I have moved to a new house enabling me to get to school in 15minutes. This means, I have to leave the house at 7:15AM not ONE minute later. On this particular morning, I was already having a terrible week and of course, I woke up late. In fact, I woke up at 7:15AM allowing me 5minutes to brush my hair, change, etc., and still be 5 minutes (at best) late for work.

So let’s catch up to speed. Literally. After zooming through my house, I ran into the car and tried to back out of the driveway… of course, there would be 5 cars disabling me to leave in a timely manner. After the dirt truck passed my house (no he didn’t stop and let me in front of him and mind you, we have a stop sign right in front of my house, so he could have stopped just a few yards sooner) and decided to go 10 mph down the mile long road I have to go down to get to the highway, I decided (naturally, of course) to, as he turned left, give him the “bird” (or finger) as I turned right. Seemed like a marvelous idea. Freeing even… However, I did feel shame as I looked in my rearview mirror and saw the person behind me shaking his head in disapproval. I felt shame for two seconds then decided he had probably done this before and I continued to drive like a bat out of hell. This particular man decided to cut in front of me: not a good idea on this morning. So again, naturally, I decided to zoom past him and get back in front of him. This lead to a game of “chicken” and I decided to end it by speeding up as fast as I could (and with other cars allowing me), pass him, and slam on my breaks. I know you’re thinking… and then I wrecked. Nope. Worse. (To me on this day).

Lights started flashing and he revealed his true colors: that of an undercover cop. Immediately, panic rushed through me. Not because I am particularly nervous about tickets or even getting pulled over (believe it or not, I haven’t had a wreck that was my fault, nor have I received a traffic ticket. Fine, yes. Ticket, no.) but because he had seen me at my worst. Like, absolute worst.

I also didn’t think about all the wrong I had done or plan an excuse. Instead, I decided I would be irritated with God because I seemingly always get caught. And in that same moment, His rod upheld me through this police officer. After the officer did the infamous “knock on the window” I began to get my license, registration, etc., and he immediately said, “Ma’am, I don’t need any of that. I just need you to know it’s going to be okay.” I looked at him with tears in my eyes and began to say I was sorry and I was late for work, etc., and instead he cut me off and asked me to take a deep breath. 3 of them in fact. THREE. And he watched me to make sure they were real, deep breaths. Then he told me to go to work and promise I would “know everything would be alright.” I remembered God in this moment, how I so often deserve punishment, but He provides Grace & Mercy over and over again. Since this particular morning, I have learned a lot about how He sustains me. I also haven’t flipped off any other cars nor have I gotten pulled over…