For me and my heart (and I suspect most women's hearts)... the same issue occurred with the thought of children. I want one NOW. And if I can't have one NOW, God is being rude or unjust. When I went to the doctor earlier this Spring, she slammed me with a plethora of horrible options as to why I wasn't getting pregnant (immediately of course, because we want things immediately). Perhaps I didn't ovulate. If I did ovulate, she told me (based on a conjecture, not any tests) I probably produced bad eggs and would certainly miscarry on my own. Girls know going to this doctor is extremely vulnerable. You're already wearing nothing but a tiny sheet in a cold room with your legs in stirrups and the whole experience is just awkward. And then to be slammed with silly opinions based on unfound logic all the while sitting practically naked and exposed, really did me in that day. Immediately I switched doctors. And I wanted to slap her in the face to be perfectly honest. I refrained.
I went to a doctor in Little Rock and she ran appropriate test to find the cause for my inability to get pregnant. Upon her first try, she found I did not ovulate on my own. While this is the "best" of the worst problems to have (because they say it's easily fixed), it was a really hard day for me. I felt like less of a woman. I felt like I had let my husband down, my body down, and that God was punishing me for past mistakes. I hate bad theology- unfortunately, I carry around with me like glue sometimes. My option at that point was Clomid. Clomid is not an antibiotic and it does not guarantee pregnancy; basically it's an estrogen inhibitor and allows women who do not ovulate on their own, the chance to do so. It is not dangerous, it is not a guarantee to getting pregnant, it basically allows people like me to do what other women due naturally: ovulate.
My husband and I really wanted to pray about taking this medicine. We wanted to acknowledge that if we did take the medicine we still had to TRUST the Lord. Perhaps he would allow the medicine to open my womb, but ultimately it was/is HIS hand and HIS timing that will allow me to get pregnant. I learned a lot during those months up to and even after the testing, about how I really am not in control. I hate learning this lesson repeatedly, but I think with fertility, it really allows this lesson to hit home with me. It is a lasting lesson learned. And, while I want to be in control, I am realizing how much better life is with the Lord being in control. Sometimes my flesh thinks it sucks, but even in those moments, the Spirit is very kind to show me the Lord's mercy and grace. When a woman wants a baby and she thinks this is her God-given right, it is a constant death to the flesh to realize it's really not. It is a blessing from the Lord. Period. He doesn't owe me anything. And while it would be a delightful blessing, He knows what is best for me. My best interest is within His heart. Even if that means learning a lot in the process, because if that makes me more like Him, again, it is the closet I can come to truly knowing Him on earth. I don't know if those last sentences sum up what I mean, but I hope they do, because I really believe Christians walk around looking at other people's lives assuming they must have done something wrong to earn their fate or done something right for that matter. Really the Lord does as He pleases and it is for our Good- to become more like Him and nearer to Him in the process as He is the only thing that can satisfy. Praise the Lord.
